Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I will be naked everywhere
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
