Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
