I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
