I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
