Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
