hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
