toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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