I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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