There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
