So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
you never un-have a 4some
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
