Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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