Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
