I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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