kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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