$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Four minutes until I can fart!
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
how drunk are you?
Several
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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