What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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