Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
