Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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