dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
