Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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