At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
