I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
