I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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