I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
