I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
