Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
