The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
