I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
