I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
