farters have to be the big spoon...
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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