Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
