Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
