Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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