Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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