There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
