theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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