You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
