Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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