I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
