he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Found your dick twin last night
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
