I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
