What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
