I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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