So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
