You're completely useless in the revolution.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
