toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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