Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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