My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
