an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
