i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
